Normally I’d be on to shy away from books that deal with the death of a gay character (if only because they depress me too much), but the title of this one drew me in, and I must say it surprised me. Ilsa J. Bick presents a realistic, if upsetting, portrayal of the teenage struggle with confusion over sexuality and relationships on top of responsibilities to school and family.
The Plot
The Sin-Eater’s Confession is presented as a letter written by Ben, a medic in Afghanistan. In it, Ben recalls his time as a high school senior in small town Merit, Wisconsin. Through his work on a farm, he befriends Jimmy, a shy junior who mostly keeps to himself, but holds a secret dream of becoming a photographer.
This friendship is jeopardized when Jimmy wins a photography contest using a candid shot of a shirtless Ben without permission, grabbing the attention and scrutiny of the rest of the town.
Initially, Ben is furious with Jimmy. He’s valedictorian, he’s got his sights set on Yale – he has a reputation to uphold. And with this photo out in the open, the rumors of Jimmy being “that way” that have circulated for so long are suddenly attached to Ben as well.
But this anger is cut short when, soon after confronting Jimmy himself, Ben witnesses his brutal murder – and runs away, doing nothing to stop the murder and later hiding the fact he was even a witness to avoid attracting suspicion.
Ultimately, the book gives us almost no resolution to this story: readers are never told who killed Jimmy, or why, and Ben’s increasingly fragile mental state raises more questions about what he really saw than it answers. That’s not to say the ending felt unsatisfying, though. Frustrating, for sure, but after 300 pages of watching Ben sink further into his paranoid, skewed line of thinking, it’s hard to imagine things tying up neatly.
The Queer Characters
Ben’s struggles, with the possible exception of his murdered friend, are surprisingly reminiscent of worries many of us had in high school. Burdened by his worries about Jimmy’s sexuality (and later his murder), on top of stress from college applications and pressures from his parents and gossiping high school kids, Ben already seems like a character anyone who’s been through high school could sympathize with.
What really drew me to him, though, was the examination of Ben’s confusion over his own sexuality.
Going into the book, it was made fairly obvious that Jimmy would be the ambiguously gay character, and I had assumed he would remain the only queer character in the novel. It was a shock – although not entirely a bad one – to read Ben questioning his sexuality as well.
It’s not common in novels, YA or otherwise, to see questioning characters, although this is a struggle many young queer people experience. This makes it all the more important that when they do show up, their portrayal is a real way for queer readers to connect.
Ben’s character, buried under layers of teenage anxieties of which his sexuality is only one, does exactly this. His constant worry of the way others view him, his desperate attempts to prove that he’s straight for reasons he doesn’t fully understand himself, his uncertainty of what he really wants, all reminded me of the way it feels to come to terms with your sexuality in an environment that offers you no help or sympathy.
The lack of resolution does put a bit of a damper on this, as we never see Ben’s resolution to his feelings, or get a clear answer as to how he identifies. This follows the natural progression of his character, but from the perspective of someone looking for queer representation, it was a bit frustrating that he wasn’t able to reconcile his feelings.
Still, seeing this kind of character arc can allow queer readers to see a reflection of themselves in a way we usually don’t. This confusion, scary as it is, is a reality for many young people, and having media like this to better understand the feelings behind that can go a long way towards accepting them.
Final Thoughts
This is not an uplifting book. It presents realistic struggles of a young boy questioning his sexuality, but offers little comfort for these feelings. Still, having these feelings validated on the page is satisfying in its own way, for readers who don’t mind a dark story.
Rating: 4/5
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